30th of November, 1988

November 30th, 2024

Can you imagine your face? Can you close your eyes and visualize your face? Have you ever seen your face in a dream? No, no, and no… Why is it so difficult to picture something that is so particularly ours, and something we see so many times a day — purposely in mirrors and by chance in reflections on some shiny surfaces, and for some of the luckiest ones of us, up close in the eyes of the loved one?

I’ve done it again. It happens to me occasionally, but strangely only in the dark months of the year. November is the darkest of all the months of the year, so it is actually fitting that it happened today. I traveled back in time again. And no, I wasn’t dreaming. Yes, I was in my bed and was slowly trying to stretch my body out of the paralysis of the November afternoon nap — but I wasn’t dreaming. It lasted for a few seconds only, maybe a few milliseconds only. I don't know. I saw the back of my head. I didn't see my face, but I knew it was me. The chill and shiver that shook my body told me that. I was bent over a math problem with an algebra book and notebook in front of me on a desk. By calendar, it was the same day as today, only 36 years before. By location, it was only about 500 meters from where I am today. In 1988, that day was Wednesday. I just looked it up, for what reason I don't know. And as I said, I wasn't dreaming because I immediately turned around in my bed and got up. I don't think I was able to face myself from that moment. For myself in 1988, everything was still a possibility. Plenty of things are still like that today, but the list is getting shorter by the day.

But I can still do it, by chance or accident, no matter how. I can move my consciousness back to some random time and see myself. I cannot do it at will, but it happens anyway. I don't know if I should be grateful or scared. Maybe both of those things at once.