A nightmare
September 7th
Our brains are so amazing (that thought was made in my brain by my brain so it’s difficult to say if that is subjectively true). Billions of neurons and neurotransmitters, amino acids and molecules swirling in a grey matter — making us who we are, deciding what and how we remember, what and who we feel, love or hate. Making each individual an unique and special person. And sometimes making us question what the hell is truly happening in there.
Yesterday I had a pretty good day — a very nice message from my brother in the morning, workday went ok (or rather without any major problems and nervous situations), in the afternoon I had dinner at mom’s, after that I went for a bike ride, in the evening I read an interesting book — so, overall a normal, typical day without any emotional ups and downs (or rather with mostly ups). And then after that, I had a terrible nightmare in my sleep. I mean — it was extremely vivid and intense and horrific, I felt like I was there and felt for real all that was happening just in my head. It was a horrible dream where I was drinking alcohol, I knew and felt that it was wrong but I’ve done it anyway. I was very angry in that dream, I was screaming at people (my family) pointing their mistakes and failings. For some reason, my father was there (he died 14 years ago and I think it was the first time he was present in my dreams). I remember feeling like a failure, like a person who lost his chance for normal, sober life since I already started drinking. I was angry at myself and everybody and everything.
Then I woke up.
It took me a couple of minutes to realize that all that was just a dream (it was difficult since I normally don’t remember my dreams at all, and this morning I remembered all the details). It was a huge relief for me when it finally came to me that I am still in my bed and nothing bad happened and I haven’t done anything stupid. Relief but also a worry — why? Why this kind of dream? Why after a normal day without any stress? I am not superstitious, I don’t believe in any dream books where dreams “are” explained, I don’t believe in any premonitions coming from dreams. I feel fine this morning, busy at work, and rather calm overall. But there is this annoying, lingering question about that dream I had — why, why, why? Maybe there is some kind of meaning there?
Of course, there isn’t. I am not stupid, it was JUST a dream — unpleasant, nasty, horrific — but still just a dream. I know dreams like that can be a reaction to what is happening to me, and specifically to my emotions and moods. And the last several days were fine and easy for me so why last night? Unless of course, it was my mind’s reaction to all the cress and crisis from the last week? It is possible and I will watch myself and my actions over the next several days rather carefully.
