A swift kick

May 6th

An unusual, dead tree on the banks of Neris River in Kaunas.

I needed a swift kick in my ass to get back to the reality of what is around me and in my life. And it came from my therapist last evening. Not a literal kick as it was, but it was enough to see slight derision in her eyes as I was explaining again how come I am aware of what is happening in my mind and my emotions and yet again I am not doing anything about it. Ok, maybe the derision I saw was only in my imagination but it was enough to put me on the level exactly like a kick in the ass would do.

I noticed that when everything in my life is going fine, I just cannot let it continue unabated. I just need to start overanalyzing everything. To question and dig deep into every action and emotion from me and those close to me. And I usually come to the wrong conclusions. The reason my conclusions are wrong is simple — I measure others by my standards and my expectations of perfection and what is right and wrong. And my standard of perfection is elevated to such a level that I myself am not able to achieve it frequently. And by frequently I mean it almost never happens.

That influences my thinking and since my perfection and my idea of it falls apart, I tend to expect it even more from others as compensation. At the same time, if others fail to reach the lofty heights of my expectations, that actually makes me gleeful and makes me feel better about myself. That in turn makes me feel dirty and wrong — I mean, there is nothing wrong with being a human being that occasionally makes mistakes. So why does it make me happy to see others as they really are — warts and all?

Do I still somewhere inside myself consider myself better than others? And if so, what exactly do I try to compensate for it?

The constant strive for perfection is tiring and bound to fail anyway. So why does it mean so much to me, and why do I still go the wrong way about it? Or am I overanalyzing it now and coming to the wrong conclusions again?

It is not a big deal to go about my life with a purpose, strive for happiness and not constant perfection (that is only superficial anyway), and care for myself without being an asshole. Being just a little selfish without feeling guilty and accepting small failures from myself and others is not that difficult. I mean — all that should be easy since I am back in control of my life as a recovering addict who is sober now. Why make my life more difficult than it is (by outside actions and forces over which I have no control like wars and inflation…) and why look for problems wherein actually there are none. Those are only some small inconveniences that can be turned into the potential for betterment and self-growth. It really is that easy.

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footsteps of the Furies

footsteps of the Furies

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“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.