After the rain
May 28th
The greenery is bursting with insatiable and bloated pregnancy. There is life everywhere, with its crazy abundance. After a near-drought of late winter and early spring, finally there was a lot of rain over the last several weeks. The sweet, nourishing moisture is coming down almost every day. Like today — brilliant sunshine intersected with bursts of heavy rain. I worked in the garden adjusting to the conditions, doing something outside in the sun, and moving to the shed when it was raining. And at one moment, I just stayed outside when the rain started coming down. There was a sheer wall of quite cold rain, but I didn’t care. There was new sunshine already visible right behind the last dark cloud. And besides, the feeling of raindrops just rolling down my cheeks was exhilarating, almost orgasmic in its physicality and intimacy.
I wanted to record it, took out my phone, and started taking photos. Capturing the essence of rain is not easy, and I wasn’t happy with any of the photos I took. I started to play with the settings and angles but to no avail. I felt a little frustrated but decided to use this frustration to do research on how to take good photos that will be a correct representation of the rain. And then there was a sudden realization that came over me — why exactly do I want to capture this moment? Why is it important to have a good photo as proof of this particular moment? Will having a photo of this moment change anything? I couldn’t answer any of those questions. And I understood that it is not necessary to try to record any of these emotional moments. It was my private moment. My moment of standing in the rain, getting wet, and being happy. There is no way to possibly be able to record it and share it with any meaning with any other person.
When I came to this understanding, this special moment was gone. The sun was already warming my face. That moment was recorded in my memory, but not in a satisfactory way. Not in full. I didn’t let the moment just be, but wasted part of it looking for ways to record it in a way I could share it. There is no validation needed from others when it comes to MY happiness. And since it is mine, I possessively want to keep it as mine only.
Small but in a way profound discovery for me that came after the rain today.
