Aggression
September 15th
It happened yesterday, but as always, I needed time to digest the situation so only today I feel ready to write about it:
I called my mom yesterday as I was leaving work, and right away I knew that something was wrong. And how! She said she went shopping in the morning. She took a city bus, as she always does. As the bus was getting to her stop, she got up and went to the door, but there was a guy standing in the aisle blocking the path. She said “excuse me” several times, but the guy didn’t move. As the bus was already at the stop, she squeezed by the guy and said: “you could have just moved a little” and left the bus. And the guy jumped after her, screaming obscenities and threatening harm and waving his arms at her! My mom said she just froze in shock and fear. Some other woman, seeing that, said something to this guy, and then he went after her, screaming and threatening. A couple of guys at the bus stop, with all that going on, got up and went toward the guy who saw it, turned around, and ran away.
Ugh, my mom was so shocked that she just was able to walk to a nearby pharmacy where she got something for calming nerves and a glass of water. Then she just called the cab and went home. As we spoke yesterday, she said she was already calm and was trying to put it behind her. But if this guy would hit her or pushed her, that could have been a tragedy. My mom is 74 years old, a little over 5 feet tall, a gray-haired elderly lady and the guy was in his thirties. If something had happened to my mom then I swear t to god that it would be better if cops would get to him first because if I would find him then unfortunately I most likely would have to go to prison…
I drove home after talking to mom and trying to reassure her that it was just an isolated incident, an unstable person who lashed out at her. Trying to calm her down, although she already sounded calm. I got home and as got out of my car, suddenly my knees just buckled underneath me and everything I had in my hand fell out. I had to grab the door handle to steady myself and take a breath and compose my mind and body. I didn’t feel the nervousness that took over me as I was driving. The moment I stood up, my body just reacted in a way that felt like suddenly getting sick and losing control over the muscles in my legs and arms. That reminded me of several times that it happened to me before, and every time it was in reaction to some bad news or being exposed to some kind of unexpected cruelty or aggression. And even if this time the aggression wasn’t aimed at me but at a loved one — the reaction was the same. And there was a very strong, but fortunately lasting only a few seconds, the emotion that set my mind in a direction of alcohol. Like I need a drink to get the courage or calm myself down. It was a very clear and direct feeling. Of course, I didn’t react to it and instead just went on a bike ride — to get tired. But those reactions are still in me, as a reminder that I am an addict and will be an addict for the rest of my life. But I know that I have a choice, and every day I make and remake this choice to be sober and live a conscious life all over again. Clearly, as I was reminded yesterday, I react badly to aggression and violence and even to just the thought of something bad that could have happened to my loved one. In this incident yesterday, realistically nothing happened — an unhinged guy yelled at my mom, but it was in the daylight in the city center where there were plenty of people around. And there is no point in thinking about “what if”. That “what if” didn’t happen. It might, or it might not, no one can predict the randomness of some events happening.
But if something terrible or tragic does happen, I am already dreading my reaction. That my body will fail me and I will react by getting sick and unable to keep composure — even if just for a while. But I am doing it again! Hell — I just wrote that I won’t be getting into “what if” guessing! And here I am…
