Ahead of time

July 1st, 2024

Simultaneously, I feel like I am beyond and ahead of time. Current times and situations have no meaning for me. Whatever happens now will have to wait until my mind comprehends that situation within a greater scope of everything else- past and the future. Whatever happens now, prior to becoming the past, is already changing and influencing the future as I see it. I cannot look at anything without immediate reference to the past and the immediate conceptualization of that event into the future. I don't know if that is a gift or a curse…

Seeing things that way makes me almost unable to make a decision, especially when that decision needs to be made on the spot. I need time and quietude to think about even the most mundane things before making a decision. And many times before I can come to a conclusion, there is no need to make a decision anymore — the situation has changed, or somebody else (or the circumstances) made that decision for me. Then I have to accept what is in front of me, with regret or anger. On the other hand, thinking that way (or overthinking as it might be described) gives me a window into the future. I can tell what will happen, and how that will affect me, and how any decision I can make will be the wrong one. I doubt my causality. Yet, I understand that most of the things around me (not all of them, of course) depend only on my actions and my decisions. And my track record of making a decision, when I can no longer postpone it or rely on others or the circumstances to make that decision for me, is a relatively good one. Especially in the last four years or so. But for some reason, doubt remains. Or maybe it is my laziness and apprehension I have about accepting the fact that I will have to live with my decisions, for better or worse. So, I keep thinking without making actual decisions while not wanting those decisions to be made outside of me. That is an interesting and exhausting dichotomy…