Almost perfect

May 24th, 2024

After the nightmare from the previous night, and tiredness that I felt for weeks and the disillusion with society at large I experienced recently, today I had an almost perfect day. I did all (and possibly more) of what I wanted to do in my day today. I did all (and possibly more) of what was expected of me — from a professional standpoint. I feel well and still energetic after the whole week, and I know I have energy in store for the weekend. My plans and schedules and to-do list mesh together in a perfectly singular way. I know what to do and when to do it, and I know I will still have plenty of time for myself to do nothing over the weekend — the way I like it.

So why exactly do I think about today and this time I am experiencing as almost perfect? Why not say — today was a perfect day and I feel tremendously well? It seems to me I suffer from the problem of being afraid to praise the day before sunset. Even though I feel fine now, I don't know how I will feel in an hour or if I will sleep well at night. I don't know if the nightmare will come back tonight or if some nagging thought will bore a hole in my head with some unwanted emotions or remembrances. I have a problem of being grateful for the moment I experience now. I can appreciate it, I can categorize this good moment in my memory for future reference. I can feel fleetingly happy — but there are always the big “when”, or “what if” questions bouncing around my head. And as I remember, I was always like that. Always being guarded about experiencing true emotions. Always being wary of showing too much happiness. And it is no different today — but I will try to enjoy the almost perfect day in a discreet way — like I always have done.