Altered state of consciousness

December 20th

I don’t like it, scratch that — I HATE IT. That changed state of my consciousness that is different than my normal state of being because of some external circumstances. Like today — I went to a dentist for a surgical procedure. I got a very strong anesthetic and the procedure went fine. But those chemicals I got to numb the pain of the dental procedure had an immediate effect on my mind and body. I felt sluggish and jittery at the same time. I felt like my brain is behind fog and my thoughts were not clear and going in different directions. I felt unsteady on my feet. I registered all that was happening around me with a delay. When I spoke, only after hearing my words out loud did my mind actually try to comprehend them. It was awful.

I don’t want to use “that” word ever again in connection to me, but yeah — that felt a little like being drunk. I was conscious of what was happening but couldn’t do anything about it. After I got home (thankfully I took a taxi to and from the dental office) I just lied down to wait for this feeling to go away. I know that in the future those kinds of feelings — of altered state of consciousness by some chemical agent — by necessity will happen to me once in a while, be it at the dentist or during medical procedures. The only good thing about it is that I realized how much I hate it. I don’t want ever again purposely change the way I am and feel at the given moment. Not being in control of myself and my consciousness is a terrible thing to experience in sobriety and an awful reminder of my past.

No matter, I am fine now and only with a stronger resolve to my recovery and sobriety. That was unpleasant but in the end — an important experience.