Am I happy?

March 2nd

I’ve been asking myself that lately. And I cannot answer that. Which in itself is an indication that I am not. I remember that I went through almost the same spell of not really being well put together with my feelings and emotions and thought and action last year about the same time. Overall, there is nothing that I can put my finger on as a reason for me being out of sorts. Of course — there are things going on in the world that make me angry and helpless and nervous, but those are things beyond my control. Beyond anybody’s control, to be fair — even beyond the control of the perpetrator (I believe he lost any semblance of sanity and purpose already).

Maybe it’s the weather — teasing with gorgeous sunshine, but scolding with a chilly wind and still deep freeze overnight. The spring is around the corner, but it feels like it is further away than it felt in January. Maybe it is the overall tiredness of the pandemic and crises worldwide and local and personal. I am holding well and keeping busy while waiting for the full bloom of springtime blossoms. But there is definitely something just short of ok, short of normalcy that I require for the full merriment of the season and contentedness with my life.

Maybe it is the new definition of normalcy that I won’t accept. The definition that random unpredictableness is the new normal. It is not supposed to be so. It wasn’t so for my whole life. Even when I went as a close observer and participant in history-changing events, I never felt the anxiety that I feel now. Now I cannot predict and by extension, I cannot prepare. I still go about my life as normal, but there is underlining apprehension to all I do. I don’t see a possibility of changing it yet, and I cannot adjust to it as well. I know that I will get used to it. I always do — I might bitch and worry and wring my hands, but in the end, I adjust to the new reality that surrounds me. I still am lucky to have several options available to me and can make different choices. The thing is — I don’t want to. I hate being forced to make changes to a situation that is beyond my control.

And I know that happiness is not guaranteed in life to anybody, but I already tested it and liked it. A lot. And I know it mostly depends on my actions and my freedom to choose. And I need to remember that even the unpleasant choice made by me is better than the one forced upon me.