“…and about you, is everything ok?”

September 17th

I felt very uneasy reading those words. I was exchanging text messages with my therapist, trying to set another appointment. We finally found a good time and day to see each other, when she wrote those words. I immediately started to analyze my previous text messages and what happened during the previous therapy session, looking for a reason why would she ask that. Did I give any indication that something might not be ok with me? Did she notice something about me that might show that I am not ok? Is there something that she knows, and I don’t know it yet, that makes me not ok?

Only after a while, and after deep searching of my behavior and my feelings and actions, I realized that maybe she was just being polite. Or maybe she was just interested in how I actually feel. That was strange… We have a professional relationship and I understand that she might ask me during our therapy sessions how I feel in general, or about a particular issue. But to ask that out of the blue? I wasn't ready for it. It felt unusual and strangely friendly. I did answer her that everything is fine with a smiley face. And thank her for those words in person last Thursday during our therapy.

It took me a while to realize why those words were so unexpected. Basically, I haven't heard anybody asking me that in a long time. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. On one hand, it might seem bad — no one is concerned about me and how I feel. On the other — my life and my behavior are such that it can be assumed that I am ok. But still — it would be nice to be asked that once in a while. And not just in a perfunctory way, but really asked. Asked in a way that would make me look deeply at myself to see if I am ok, or I am not ok. Asked in a way that wouldn't accept just a standard response — “yeah, everything is fine”. Asked in a sincere and caring way. Asked by someone who is attentive and loving.

And I truly haven't been asked that for a really long time.