Anger, fear and sadness
October 23rd
Anger is used to cover fear, which in turn feeds on sadness, which feasts and grows on fear, which fuels the need for an outlet for anger.
It is a vicious cycle that plays itself in my head time after time. I made strides over the previous years (or rather, decades) in controlling it. I no longer try to numb it with alcohol or other controlled substances. I no longer keep it down within me under the covers of nonchalant stability. But all that doesn't change the fact that those three emotions are intertwined in my head and rise up with outside happenings or uncontrollable forces in my life. I don’t let them consume me in totality, but just keeping them in check is deeply unpleasant and hard work.
Being aware is one thing. Doing something about it is another. Sometimes I go back to thinking that maybe it would be easier not to be aware of myself so much. Then I remember that is not a place I want to be in again. And I don't want to lose all I accomplished already, and don't want all my hard work to go to naught. So, that is me — acutely aware of my emotions and where are they coming from. I am also aware that in some cases they are caused by external factors and that I can’t do anything about them. I don’t control others and their behavior and their psychosis. What I can do is step aside, and try to go in a different direction. That is when the fear becomes multiplied to the extremes.
I know it is not rational. And I want to be rational and aware of what is going around me so that I can take steps to adjust myself to it. It is easier said than done — as always. And in rational thinking, I KNOW that I already made so many changes that were preceded by fear that there is nothing to it and change is a natural part of life. Fear as well. But it is more difficult to be aware of that and take action to address this fear that leads to extreme anger in me. Again, rationally, I know I use anger to cover my fear and my vulnerability. To create a mask of arrogant assuredness. To project an image that I am stronger and am to be feared, all the while trembling inside. To fake my way through an insecure life, as I’ve done on so many previous occasions.
That is when the sadness comes in with its ugly and fuzzy and melancholic ways. The sadness, which tells me that I have unresolved issues that still need a lot of work. I don't want to cover anything with well-known fakery, I don't want to be controlled by my fear and anger. I want to be in control of myself and my emotions. That means I need to go back to basics and refresh my ways of working on myself and healing myself from the inside. That would mean leaving the well-worn paths of my comfort zone and taking a new path, which might be uncomfortable and scary and difficult and might require extra work. It seems like I have no choice if I want to make my life better. There will be unknowns ahead, but that might be better than known things that are already bad and slowly drive me insane.
It felt cathartic to write about the need and want to break this insane and painful circle in my head. That was the easy part. Some actions will be necessary soon, not to be just a whining, fearful man. Anyway — soon I will find some new things about myself.
