Anger underneath

July 20th

I learned my lesson. In April, for about three weeks I was constantly angry — at everyone, at everything, and mostly at myself. The reasons are lost on me now, and the reasons were not really important. I was angry, I wanted to be angry, I wanted some kind of confrontation and I wanted an outlet for my brewing fury. For those three weeks, I forgot about myself and about what makes me happy. I forwent taking care of myself. I lost the ability to smile and plan for the future. Anger was destroying me from within.

I learned my lesson. I went back to the basics of self-care. I let things go and be bygone. I was looking at my needs and what I wanted to do. It wasn’t always working out well for me — I still had to take care of things I had no desire of doing and manage things beyond my control. But I could smile again. I could enjoy my time alone. There were plans and ideas in my mind that required my attention and control. My life was back to normal, for better or worse. But it was manageable and familiar to what I was used to.

So it is not about me now. I see a tremendous amount of anger just underneath everywhere I look. And actually, I don’t need to look for it. It just shows its ugly face in things happening around me. Be it in behavior on the streets from other drivers when I am driving or even more so when I am bicycling. There is anger at work, hidden well behind the professional and polite facade. There is anger in stores and pharmacies and markets where I go. People are still trying to keep it under control. That still works most of the time, until it doesn’t. There are angry words and invectives and gestures, even shouting. There is angry ugliness that pierces the skin and creates grotesque facial expressions. There are abrupt and sudden movements motions that can scare unaware passersby. Something will have to give out soon. And anger will have to find a way out. It will be nasty and uncontrollable and painful.

I wonder for how long I will be able to stay away from all that? Detachment is fine, but living in society, I cannot turn off receptors completely. Definitely, I expect something big to happen soon.

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footsteps of the Furies

footsteps of the Furies

“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.