Anger within

June 3rd

There is still a lot of anger in me. There are moments that I feel like my whole body is shaking with rage at something or someone. Usually it is about small things which should not have a lot of influence on my emotions and should not be the triggers that can cause an outburst. Internal outbursts so far, but I did catch myself recently that I was already on the edge of losing my shit — and lashing out with screaming and profanities and punching a wall or hitting a table. It lasted only a short while, maybe a couple of seconds, but the irritation and annoyance stayed with me for at least a couple of hours. That is strange on several different levels:

• For most (if not all) of my adult life, I was seen as a very composed and calm person. And I think I was that — there was actually some quiet pride in that. But that was only a façade, there was a lot of anger that I held internally away from others. Of course, it is not healthy and downright impossible not to have or show any anger, and hiding it will cause a reaction where a mind and a body will need to find a release from all that pent-up combustible. In my case, that was one of the reasons for my long-term substance abuse. I thought that was a release I needed — of course, faking my mind and body with alcohol led me to addiction, which caused more anger problems for me.
• I understand now that some anger is necessary for everybody. There is no way to go through life without any occasional outbursts. Anger is a part of all the human emotions that are needed to have a well-round up life. The point is not to have any emotion take over the others and take over the personality. And in my case, I understand that and I think I can control my anger and allow it just where is needed and for just long enough to notice it and experience it without acting on it. And without letting it control my mind and my personality.

And now comes the hard part. My anger is under control and infrequent. But there is something brewing under my calm and composed demeanor. It might not be registering in my mind as actual anger, but there are quite frequent situations where I am looking for a confrontation and some kind of excuse to be angry and outraged and rude and violent. Of course, all that is only in my mind — I create scenarios in my head that have no reflection in a reality where I have a reason (and a righteous reason at that) to attack someone. And more frequently than before, not just verbally but in a physical way. I actually want to hit and hurt somebody. And I do have excuses ready for why that person deserved it. That scares me. That is my anger as well. Undiscovered anger that looks for a way out from the constraints of my reason and social conventions. And that had to have some underlying reason. What reason — I still don’t know. I need to get to the bottom of it. I don’t want to just react to already visible emotions in me, but to be in control of them from the primary level.