Annoying idleness

January 21st, 2023

I feel discombobulated, annoyed, and disappointed in myself. All that is just from the fact that I went off my daily routine for a couple of days. I know that my routine is not and should not be set in stone — things happen that need to be taken care of and I love occasional idleness and napping and watching funny but entirely pointless videos and memes and going to bed early. But that is the point — occasional and predicted and predetermined idleness is fine and dandy and helpful for me. Unplanned inertia and forgoing routine are not.

Now, I had good reasons for my mental and physical lethargy. Some good — I have become an uncle for the first time (my sister gave birth to an absolutely amazing baby girl!) and that was nervous for everybody. Some bad — I found some unpleasant things about a few people I know and realized that some tough but necessary changes are needed if I want to continue my life in a pleasant way according to what I want and can tolerate. Total of those experiences made me tired, so I decided that slothfulness is the answer, even though I do have a routine for when I am tired where I get some rest and still maintain some mental activity — which in turn keeps me going in a good mood.

I thought I can manage my daily routine and change it and adjust it according to needs. And I still think I can — as long as I make those adjustments when I know something new is coming and will influence my actions and thoughts. I didn't react in time (or at all) to that this week and suffered the consequences today. But that is a good lesson for the future. I need and want to be aware of what is coming, and have enough leeway at all times if something unexpected will come up. Doesn't seem too difficult to work with this set up and I think I already feel better after writing it down. Talking things through — even if that is with oneself — is very important. Just as important is looking for reasons why I feel in a particular way and have certain emotions. And thoughts as well— yesterday my train of thoughts was going off the rails of sanity and decency, now I know why and will make sure it doesn't happen again.