April 24th

Cannot stop thinking about yesterday’s therapy session. I don’t think my therapist was fair towards me. I understand that is her job — to push me forward, to make me constantly work hard on myself, to move forward in my life and my therapy. That I cannot stop with just that what I am doing right now, but to push me to constantly try to better myself, and to be prepared for anything that can create a mental crisis and potentially trigger a relapse. But therapists are just people too, they can be wrong, they can make mistakes, and possibly push wrong buttons.

I think that I am in the right place with me and my emotions now. Of course, I could be better in this or that, I could be far ahead with this or that development. But — I enjoy being me as I am and as I see myself today. I enjoy discovering new things about myself, seeing my reactions to new emotions while sober. Learning a new way of living, allowing myself happiness, and being content with my reflection in the mirror.

She was right on several points — I have to admit. She was right that I no longer use some things and technics that I learned in the therapy. I used them with very good results for a while but in recent weeks it seems that I am falling back into the old scheme of making plans, talking about doing something but not following through with it. Not having a timeline for things that I want to accomplish, not addressing my needs (like telling what I need and want and expect from my family and friends), being haphazard with my schedule. Also, I noticed that in recent weeks I am staying at home too much, I don’t go out (not necessarily to meet other people) but to do things where I will have to meet and talk to other people. I really like my privacy and solitude but some form of human contact outside my immediate circle of family and friends (well — a friend — I only got one) is needed for normal and fulfilling human functioning.

That’s why right now I am sitting and reading my recovery plan that I prepared before leaving my therapy facility in early November. It looks that I was able to accomplish a lot from that list, but there are several interesting points that I forgot:

• I was supposed to do more dental work. I was at the dentist once, she said that there is nothing that requires immediate attention from her side but this and that can be done to prevent problems in the future. I thought about starting doing that but, well — didn’t follow through.
• I was supposed to take better care of my meals and nutrition — I am not doing that, even though I am physically active I gained weight.
• I was supposed to do more local travels — I am not doing that (ok, I couldn’t in winter on account of snow and cold weather for 2 months). I only think about it without any plan to actually do it.
• I am not keeping updated on the basics of the recovery process, I need to go back to my notes from the therapy and work on my assertiveness and self-confidence.
• I am not looking for any new friendships and even new acquaintances. I am staying in a very narrow circle of only a few people.
• I never had a talk with my mom, to tell her about me and what is really in my head. I’ve been talking about having a need to have this talk, and yet I haven’t.
• I was supposed to attend AA meetings weekly, I did for a while (online since because of pandemic those meeting cannot be organized in person), but didn’t like the group I attended, so I stopped, and I made no effort to find another one.
• I haven’t really found what gives me pleasure and happiness, who I really am — and that is a huge issue… I do a lot of things that are pleasurable, like writing this blog, learning a new language, reading books, working on my physical stamina, working in the garden, my volunteer work, and so on, but — there is not a thing, a hobby or deep interest that I would have as mine to pursue and explore and enjoy. There is also nothing in my personal life that I can develop and grow from a relationship standpoint (do I need a relationship is another issue — If I don’t try how would I know if I don’t like it?).

This last point was discussed A LOT in my therapy, basically, if you just don’t drink and don’t develop anything else in your life then — you are just an abstinent (a teetotaler if you like), and not a consciously recovering addict who can become a valuable person again. Lack of internal development will lead to relapses and misery. There will be no sustained normalcy and no new habit of sober living.

I have a lot to think about. I see that there is a lot of work ahead of me, I accomplished a lot, I worked so hard to get where I am right now, and I will be damned if I lose it or even endanger it. Back to doing things, back to talking about feelings and emotions, back to basics, back to work.