April 24th

Cannot stop thinking about yesterday’s therapy session. I don’t think my therapist was fair towards me. I understand that is her job — to push me forward, to make me constantly work hard on myself, to move forward in my life and my therapy. That I cannot stop with just that what I am doing right now, but to push me to constantly try to better myself, and to be prepared for anything that can create a mental crisis and potentially trigger a relapse. But therapists are just people too, they can be wrong, they can make mistakes, and possibly push wrong buttons.

I think that I am in the right place with me and my emotions now. Of course, I could be better in this or that, I could be far ahead with this or that development. But — I enjoy being me as I am and as I see myself today. I enjoy discovering new things about myself, seeing my reactions to new emotions while sober. Learning a new way of living, allowing myself happiness, and being content with my reflection in the mirror.

She was right on several points — I have to admit. She was right that I no longer use some things and technics that I learned in the therapy. I used them with very good results for a while but in recent weeks it seems that I am falling back into the old scheme of making plans, talking about doing something but not following through with it. Not having a timeline for things that I want to accomplish, not addressing my needs (like telling what I need and want and expect from my family and friends), being haphazard with my schedule. Also, I noticed that in recent weeks I am staying at home too much, I don’t go out (not necessarily to meet other people) but to do things where I will have to meet and talk to other people. I really like my privacy and solitude but some form of human contact outside my immediate circle of family and friends (well — a friend — I only got one) is needed for normal and fulfilling human functioning.

That’s why right now I am sitting and reading my recovery plan that I prepared before leaving my therapy facility in early November. It looks that I was able to accomplish a lot from that list, but there are several interesting points that I forgot:

  • I was supposed to do more dental work. I was at the dentist once, she said that there is nothing that requires immediate attention from her side but this and that can be done to prevent problems in the future. I thought about starting doing that but, well — didn’t follow through.

This last point was discussed A LOT in my therapy, basically, if you just don’t drink and don’t develop anything else in your life then — you are just an abstinent (a teetotaler if you like), and not a consciously recovering addict who can become a valuable person again. Lack of internal development will lead to relapses and misery. There will be no sustained normalcy and no new habit of sober living.

I have a lot to think about. I see that there is a lot of work ahead of me, I accomplished a lot, I worked so hard to get where I am right now, and I will be damned if I lose it or even endanger it. Back to doing things, back to talking about feelings and emotions, back to basics, back to work.

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footsteps of the Furies

“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.