April 28th

After all that good feeling over the last couple of days, yesterday evening I had an emotional and mental crisis. Started around 8 pm, I started to feel very nervous, very anxious. I couldn’t sit still or read a book or watch YouTube. I was constantly touching my head, moving my fingers. I also ate a lot — that seemed to calm me down for a while. I have no idea where that came from, I don’t think that was an alcohol craving — drinking didn’t even cross my mind then. Now, there has to be an underlying reason for it — maybe it was a phone call with Ela that wasn’t really pleasant. She went missing over the weekend again, wasn’t picking up my calls, wasn’t responding to my SMSes. She said that it was a bad time for her, she wasn’t in a good shape, didn’t feel like talking. I think that she was drinking again… I think she might have an alcohol problem, and I, as a recovering alcoholic, am very attuned to that behavior in others. We did try to talk about it a month ago, and she basically turned that talk into a joke — “what’s the problem, why can’t I have a drink once in a while?”. But I do remember her from previous years when we sometimes drank together — and once she would start, she wouldn’t stop drinking until she was on a verge of passing out. Yeah, that could be a problem, for her and for me — there is no chance for a recovering alcoholic who wants to stay sober to be in a relationship with a person who drinks.

I don’t know where our relationship is going, I don’t know if she can control her drinking. I would love to help her in any way possible, but she needs to know first that she needs help. I don’t think she is there yet. It took me many years to admit to myself that I have a problem. I hope she will realize that soon and looks for help. I think that I can continue that friendship as a just, well — a friendship. If she needs me in any way, I will help her. But I will not risk my recovery and my health for what I see now as a dangerous situation.

I don’t want to risk any more of those anxious and nervous moments that can one day simply overwhelm me. I know it might seem very selfish, and I don’t care. I need to take care of myself first, I need to take care of my needs first. If I can be of any help — I will help her. But for now — I will not get any deeper into that relationship.

And that is a fucking pity and I don’t like it. No matter, I know that has to be done and that is what I need for myself.