April 8th
Each step I make take me higher. Higher than I ever was. Higher than being comfortable. Higher than my comfort zone.
(I was so safe and secure in my filthy milieu at the bottom).
Hell, I left my comfort zone a long time ago, when I admitted that I have a problem and I needed help.
(The other choice was a swift lack of being present here anymore).
The first step was the most difficult and most steep. If it wasn’t for pushing and pulling from the professionals and others who still wanted to help me, I wouldn’t make it.
(I didn’t believe that needed help and then one day out of the sudden I didn't believe I could be helped anymore).
Now, each step becomes easier, flatter, wider, more familiar, more comfortable. I can move to the side, skip and even jump.
(The rationality of my actions becomes fun — even when I see it after the fact).
When I look back down (and I do look back down — that is where I came from after all), sometimes I feel a sudden headache, migraine, dizziness. It is normal to feel this way. It is normal to feel overwhelmed by all that clarity that comes with each step that takes me higher. I can see better and further from each step that I make and that elevates my spirit but occasionally scares me as well.
I cannot forget fundamentals in all that — I have to plant my feet firmly on each step, sometimes to take a step back, or move to a side for a while, or ask someone for a help — for a hand from above to pull me or from behind to push me. A misstep can be costly, I know how easy it would be to slide all the way down to the bottom.
I am learning how to live with a vertigo that comes with rebuilding myself and discovering new heights. I love it.
