August 12th

I feel unsettled and jittery today. Not really sure if I am alright and that is just something temporary or there is some deeper underlining problem. I am not quite happy with myself and there are several reasons for it:

• Yesterday I drove my mom to a doctor’s appointment. Instead of 15–20 minutes, I expected it to take, she was there for more than an hour because the doctor was late. Just waiting there for her, walking around the medical office I wasn’t happy, I could feel getting angry — at mom, at myself, at everybody for wasting my time. My thoughts went into a negativity spiral, I started creating some pessimistic and depressing scenarios in my head. I even started questioning my mom’s mental abilities (which are sadly deteriorating with age). I caught myself doing that and was able to stop and chided myself for even going there with my thoughts. What is bothering me about that is that there might be some undiscovered reason that pushes me into pointless anger and worry.
• I have noticed that more and more I am looking at other people and comparing myself to them and their accomplishments and I am getting jealous. I worked on that very hard during my therapy and made such progress that I was actually happy with how I was able to react to this kind of outside stimuli. And now it seems I am taking a step back and that triggers some bad memories about how I wasted so much of my time for addiction.

Good thing is that I am aware of this what is happening in my mind and can stop and calm myself avoiding any further aggravation and anger. I see that there is still a lot of work for me on my behavior and my emotions and my mind. I don’t really mind it though.

And just now this song came up on BBC6:

Very interesting coincident. And the message of this song fits me today — comparing yourself is what kills joy and happiness.