August 17th

Negativity and toxicity — recently I’ve noticed that I react much stronger to the display of those emotions than before. I guess I assumed that it is normal behavior of others — unpleasant, but common enough to be accepted as just a character trait.

It isn’t.

It is a terrible behavioral and emotional problem and psychological disorder for those people (and by definition for all those around them) — I can give an example from a couple of hours ago today:
I told my boss about very good developments on two main issues that we had at work. I was able to solve it — we will not have to make any changes to our production plan, and we have some breathing room until the end of September. I was pretty happy and stroked that my hard work was effective and I could see tangible results of all my efforts. It took her literally 10 seconds to bring me down — “what about October?”, “why only so little is confirmed?”, “can’t they make more?”, “did you pushed them enough?”, “what about other issues?”. She couldn’t simply accept the fact that I was happy with the work I’ve done and wouldn’t let me enjoy any positivity in my workday. And I don’t know what was I expecting — she is that kind of a person, she will turn any positive news and any positive efforts into deep negativity. That negativity that emanates from her, poisons with her toxicity everything around her, me and my emotions and even my personality included. I went to my desk after that, wasn’t really upset since I’ve experienced that many times before. But that toxicity already infected me before my mind registered it: I snapped at my colleague, wrote an email with some (unneeded) passive-aggressive comments. I also noticed that I have a problem typing — my fingers were trembling and I couldn’t hit the right keys.

So that’s that.

Negativity and toxicity spread and poisons everything around a person who’s so deeply unhappy that he or she cannot accept any joy and positivity in others. And I don’t need it in my life. And I don’t need to accept it. And I know I cannot change that toxic person.

But I can change my environment and those I surround myself with — simple but effective. It’s another step in my healing and my recovery and my growth.