August 21st
My emotional mood swings are bothering me again. After a super week, now starting on Friday afternoon I became nervous, jittery, and depressed. It started with several issues at work — big problems became bigger and potential consequences will be dire. My car broke down again (alternator this time). I wanted to spend the weekend my way, but I was informed that my sister is coming over with her fiancé. All that made me feel low and like everybody and everything is against me. I started to make up in my mind strange and negative scenarios about what can happen to me and what awful things others can and will do to me again. This morning I took my car to a mechanic — it will be repaired only on Tuesday, and it will cost quite a bit of money (again…). I was still thinking about work stuff — trying to already justify my actions — even though I don’t think it was my fault anyway. I was seriously down emotionally. My anger was brewing and I could tell alcohol cravings as well. Terrible, just awful morning.
And I thought it will get even worse, since I was to entertain my sister’s fiancé for a couple of hours while my mom has a serious talk with her one on one (about her future and her fiancé and everything between). It didn’t. Actually, I feel pretty good now. I took Jacek for a walk in the city. That was his visit to Bialystok, so I wanted to show him around. We spend 2 hours walking around the center while I was telling him about landmarks, places and their local history, about monuments and places and buildings no longer there. I was very coherent and interesting, and apparently, I know a lot about my city, its history, and people. I was able to easily tie up and connect local history to general historical events and situations. All I was told made sense, and I quite surprised myself how eloquent and talkative I was. It seems I am a very good storyteller with vast knowledge of local and universal history and the ability to connect both. Jacek was a very keen listener, asked good questions, and seemed to be entertained as well.
Once again, I discovered something about myself — I already knew that I know a lot of history, but actually talking about it out loud and weaving the coherent narrative came to me naturally and easily. I enjoyed that afternoon, and I enjoyed being able to share my knowledge and interest with somebody else. And now I know I am pretty good at this — as a local guide and amateur historian, I can talk and explain what is around me as an interesting story while sticking to real history. I had no idea — especially that without any preparation, it was so easy for me to do. So now I feel much better about myself and can feel my mood leveling and my self-confidence growing.
In conclusion — it is worth always look for positives and remember that any low feeling and any crisis will pass. After all — it is all in my mind, and I am in control of what I feel and how I see myself. And now I am stroked!
