August 30th

Unlike last Monday, today is a seriously bad day. Headache started in the morning and it’s getting worse. The weather is gloomy and it feels fall-like even though this is only the end of August. There is an annoying background hum in my office. People are snapping at each other. The office radio is on the SAME station as it was for the last several months and the SAME songs are being played there still. There are several issues at work that developed over the last couple of days that will require A LOT of my work and effort and are a really big deal (we are facing a potential shutdown of one of the production lines). My boss is bitching and being more paranoid more than she usually is. I try to give my best effort but honestly, I cannot be bothered. I feel a complete lack of motivation and care and no energy whatsoever. That might not be a burnout yet but it feels very close to it. I want to be polite and professional but it seems like I am just waiting for a moment to chew somebody down or point out in public that somebody is a fucking idiot. What I do here today is mostly the same as I’ve done for the rest couple of years, details/people/situations change but what I actually do doesn’t. And I also have to do some stupid shit that is pointless and is required only as something to cover my ass in the future.

I went through periods like that in the past, sometimes it lasts only a couple of days but it can also last several weeks. I need to be careful how it all will affect my overall mood and emotional state and mental health. Honestly today I feel like quitting without having anything else lined up. Another option is to put my head down and grind it out hoping that soon I will find another job — I’ve been sending my CV like crazy over the last weeks but no responses so far. I need to remind myself that I am in control of this situation, if it becomes completely unbearable I can just quit (or go on medical leave) — my health and my well-being are more important than anything else.

I keep thinking about this wonderful song (as above) a lot, and that helps a little. I find hope in this song and video and there is hope in the beauty around us and there is hope in me.