Avoidance (part 3)

April 19th, 2024

I still avoid thinking about the recent big development in my life. And today — it came to me very easily. I can say it came to me naturally, in a well-tested and well-known and habitual way. Instead of thinking about me turning 50 years old, and all the things that means — in terms of baggage and terms of new ideas — I turned to anger.

I don't remember getting really angry in recent weeks, or even months, so it seems obvious that it had to happen eventually. And today, without much of a prompt or even a reason, I got angry. Just like that. It only took about ten minutes from the first sign of anger in me to full-blown anger with a raised voice and me becoming curt and snippy. And I felt hot-headed and steaming inside. I felt like slamming doors in somebody's face and maybe even cursing out loud. Of course, I would never do that. That is not my style. I can show some angry behavior but the real anger stays inside me — but the unpleasant thought was definitely then and there. The headache was there as well and that is a tell-tale of me losing my calmness and letting anger take over. Or maybe the headache was the reason for my anger? I don't know.

I was fully aware of my behavior and the anger that was causing it. I think I even know the potential underlying reason for this anger — but that is a matter for some other time. Once I realized how stupid I behaved, I felt stupid myself. And then I redirected that anger toward myself. This time though, instead of wallowing in self-righteous pity and being angry — I did something about it. I called back the people who were on the receiving end of me being snippy and curt to apologize. I said only a few words, but they were perfectly understood. The matter is over for all concerned parties, and I don't feel that angry anymore. There are still some residuals, but I can manage that. Now, the reason for my anger is to be taken care of and that might be a difficult task.