Avoiding discomfort
November 30th
If that was a competition, I would be one of the very best. Of course, if that was a REAL competition I would find a way to avoid any participation in it since that could perchance cause me discomfort. And possibly that way — avoiding discomfort to win a discomfort competition — I would win it, anyway. Yeah, I am excellent at it.
I missed a lot of chances. I didn’t take advantage of many opportunities in life just because I was afraid of failing and, by extension — afraid of discomfort. Even a slight prospect of discomfort would stop me from taking action. I rather would stay in my comfort zone. My shitty, boring and repetitive comfort zone. Sure, I had a lot of excuses. The one I used a lot was: “if I am not assured of success, I am assured of failure, so why even bother”. There were others as well — “I am not good enough”, “I could try, but I don’t really care”, “I am fine where I am right now”. All of those were obviously fat lies. There was one more I remember — “I am too busy drinking now, but once I stop and get sober — look out, world!”. But I didn’t stop that drinking, not for twenty-five years.
But then, one-day last year, I did.
And once I did, I still avoided taking chances, avoided any possibility of discomfort. That was quite surprising since I always thought that after I stop drinking, I would miraculously change into this perfect specimen, that perfect, flawless me. My god, how stupid I was! It took me several months to actually realize that only now is the hard part — dealing with myself while being SOBER! Now, don’t get me wrong, avoiding discomfort in recovery is important and therapeutic — it helps to avoid potential triggers and cravings. But, come on — recovery itself is a huge, comfort — zone — shattering change. And I accepted it, with tears and sweat and cursing and A LOT OF HELP from others, but accepted it anyway.
So, why it is so difficult now? What is holding me back from taking more chances in life, in a relationship, at work? It is my newly created comfort zone over what I do now in my life. I am not afraid of a change; I am not afraid of failure. I think it is about time to stop just talking about it and do something about it.
