Ball and chain

October 29th

It was a very unusual feeling that I experienced today. I was coming home from a long trip to help my sister and brother-in-law to move to a new apartment. It was a two-hour drive in the early morning to get there. Then five hours of moving boxes and bags downstairs to a car, driving through the unpleasant city traffic in Warsaw, and taking it all upstairs to a new place. I was very tired when I got in a car to drive back home in the afternoon. I still am, by the way. And on the way back, I felt something unexpected, a strange emotion.

As far as I remember, for years when going back home — either by car, or bus, or train — the closer I got to my hometown, the better and more at ease I felt. I couldn't wait to finally get there, and if I am driving, I might speed up just a little to get there sooner. My mood gets better, even if I am tired, or if I had a great trip and don't like going back to a mundane boring life that awaits me, with each kilometer I leave behind.

But that didn't happen today. Actually, I felt a strong dread and discomfort the closer I would get to my home. I felt that I am getting closer and closer to awaiting miasma of ordinarity. I felt that I don't want to go there — nothing interesting awaits me there. I wanted to just turn around and go somewhere different, somewhere where I haven't been yet. Or a place I know and where I have been previously, but this time not just to visit — but to stay. I felt a strong need and want to start something new, in a new place with a clean slate. There is a whole amazing and beautiful world out there. So many new opportunities and chances to take, so many new people to meet, and so many new discoveries to experience.

And with me being back home — that felt like being chained with tied-up hands and a muzzle across my face. I felt like I am not realizing my potential and still don't know what exactly I am made of. I felt limited by a place (and everything that goes with a physical, geographical place). And that is a place I love! This is a place I actually went back to after more than twenty years of travels and wanderings. I never felt that my hometown, where I started to build a new life for myself (especially after I got sober) could be in any way limiting! But that is exactly how I felt today.

Strange emotion and a deep food for thought for tonight and maybe for the next days as well.