Beautiful sadness

October 15th

I had a long conversation that turned into an argument as I was driving home today. It was almost a two-hour drive, so there was plenty of time to check and analyze different points of view and try to see the good and bad particulars from both sides. At some moments during that drive, I even turned down the radio and raised my voice to make some points clearer and more forceful, but in the end, there was no clear resolution.

The argument was if it is better to title this post “Beautiful sadness” or “Sad beauty”. I went with the first option, mostly because it was the first thought that popped into my mind as I went about thinking it over

Oh, and by the way — I was driving alone.

All that arguing was just between two different ideas in my head. Which is sad in a way, it would be better to have another human being nearby to have a proper argument. But it was beautiful as well — I spend quality time with myself, analyzing and agonizing over a silly issue, but the one that had meaning for me.

The idea itself came to me last evening as I was listening to the debut album from Tom Waits:

Every song is perfect in its beauty, with every note and harmony and pause and word and chord at the just right place and with just the right timing. But just as well every song has an underlying sadness and longing that is unspoken and not externalized, yet clearly felt — at least by me. Two opposites in correct consonance with each other create an unusual listening experience and make an uneasy thought process while being arresting to the point of numbness.

And just as an aside — there was a time in my life when I listened to this album non-stop for weeks or even months. And yesterday it was the first time in I think 20 years that I went back to this album. To my surprise — I still remembered every word to every song for a muted sing-a-long under my breath. I had no idea those words were logged in my mind to be recalled with just the first, tiny, simple sound of the piano key. I still find ways to surprise myself, which in itself is revelatory.