Better kind

March 15th, 2024

I think I have finally cracked it. Of course, if you can call it cracking up, when it is only the realization of the most obvious truth in the world. I know now how to be better. How to be better than others, that is. Or to be more specific — how to belong to a group of people that is better than the rest of society. Or to be even more specific — how to belong to a group of people that consider themselves better than the rest of society.

All you have to do is to have boorish, brutal strength, always be surrounded by others of your kind, be loud (louder than others), not have any self-awareness, doubts, or remorse, and be fully convinced that your way is the only way.

Seems easy on paper, more difficult for me to actually achieve. I do not have brutal strength, and pay close attention not to be boorish. I don't belong to any group or society of people — in the immortal words of Yogi Berra — “ I will not join any club that would have me as a member”. I am loud only in my head, many times too loud for my sanity. My self-awareness is a crippling handicap. I can share my doubts with a legion of other people and still have plenty left over. Remorse — that is funny, but I think it is doable for me. I have really had nothing to be remorseful about since I started my recovery. And I have plenty of convictions for any situation I might encounter, so I am always ready and prepared to wiggle from any ethical or moral jam.

The fact that I am cracking jokes here and trying to be funny tells me that this is a serious matter for me. Joking about something is a way for me to escape the gravity of the issue at hand. I see that I am not ready to talk on this subject seriously yet.