Blame

December 23rd

Bad as he is, the Devil may be abus’d,

Be falsly charg’d, and causelessly accus’d,

When Men, unwilling to be blam’d alone,

Shift off these Crimes on Him which are their Own.

Daniel Defoe, The History of the Devil (1727)

It is quite easy and common to blame something, somebody, some circumstances, some external force, some weakness for failings and wrongs without accepting any blame and responsibility. It was because of something somebody did to me, it was because I was screwed up as a kid, it was because I am too fragile or misunderstood or too smart or too stupid. Or it is because other people are stupid and cruel and out to get me.

I was a master in shifting the blame. I was a master in explaining my failings as actually a fault of somebody else. I was perfect as I was — it was “the others” that made me do things. It was my fucked up upbringing or fucked up social or political circumstances — I had no choice or a chance to do the right thing. I was so good at doing that blaming of others that I started to believe it.

Now, it is still not easy to accept the fact that I can make mistakes and things that are wrong. But I do make a progress — when I see things that are not going as they are supposed to or I wanted them to — I look at myself. And no, not every time there is something in there that I could have done differently but quite often I do find something I could have done that would make it better. I still do look for excuses — it is impossible to change ingrained behavior in a year or so of newly conscious life. And the previous sentence is an example of this looking for excuses….

I am getting better though. There is less anger in me directed at me when I do catch myself making a wrong decision. There is more acceptance, not full acceptance but grudging understanding that life is a learning process, and I am allowed to make mistakes. Of course — the trick is to never make the same mistakes twice — that would be stupid.