Blissfulness

February 3rd

Well, it happened again. That amazing and encompassing feeling of bliss and contentment. Unexpected and powerful, deeply pleasant and memorable. But let me start at the beginning and see if I have the words and skill to explain it.

I took a nap around noon. And that was nice enough. But after only a minute or so, I felt myself drifting away. I was still aware of being awake, or maybe it was already a dream in which I dreamt about having a nap and thinking about being awake. I don’t know. But suddenly my thoughts changed into pictures. Not still pictures, but slowly moving and changing. Pictures of places and people I vaguely remember from many years ago. I don’t recall any of those scenes as being of any importance in my life — just snapshots of memories recalled by my mind for a reason that I cannot fathom. I felt soft warmth in my body as well — starting in my mid-section and slowly radiating into my extremities. My arms and legs became light, and yet I was more aware of them than I am in my everyday life. With those pictures of memories were some words, single words that kept repeating in my mind — “walk”, “clock”, “sky”, “good”, “fine” and some more that I don’t recall right now. There were no full thoughts at all. Just words and pictures.

In all that, I felt a happiness and contentment like I haven’t felt in many months. I was supremely calm, and the blissfulness of this experience was almost paralyzing — but in a good way. Like I don’t really need or want to do anything. Like I am at this point wholly complete as a person. Like there are no worries in my head and in my life. Like there is only me and me only, and I am happy.

I felt like that before — a couple of times last spring. It came to me by itself and it was so powerful that I still am shaken inside. I still feel a soft tremble in my hands and feet.

But unlike before — this time, I don’t even question if I deserve this — like I did last spring. I enjoyed it then, but there were doubts in my mind afterward. Like I wasn’t sure if I deserve happiness. Like it embarrassed me to be happy. Or I was even ashamed of how happy I felt.

Today I enjoyed this experience and I didn’t question it after. There is nothing wrong with searching for happiness, and I know I deserve it — the blissfulness, warmth, quietness, and peace in my life.