Broken walking commitment
January 1st, 2023
In August of last year, I did something that would seem no big deal to other people — but to me, it was a significant step forward (pun intended). After years of having at least 10,000 steps per day, I decided not to pay attention to it and stop counting the steps to achieve a daily result, but just go with the flow of what happens, happens. I still walked a lot, but without any pressure to get the streak of continuous days with this arbitrary goal I set for myself. And without constant checking and planning my days to get the result, no matter what.
It is the first day of the new year and I checked my walking record for the last year — I averaged 12,647 steps per day for 2022. And that is actually higher than the 12,541 steps per day I averaged for 2021. So, I was better in 2022 than I was in 2021, and without the added stress of keeping some kind of record. Of course, it is nice to be able to say “I am on a 467-day streak of having at least 10,000 steps per day”. But in the big picture — is it really? Does it matter what kind of streak it was, as long as I still get my needed daily exercise?
Having a streak, a routine of what I do every day is extremely important to me. Or so I say to myself because it apparently might not. For whatever reason I decided to think that if I don't do something I set myself to do every day then some terrible disaster will happen. That I again will be a quitter, not able to preserver in doing something. That I again will think less about myself and revert to numb inaction. I know it is all in my head, but still, I cannot completely let it go and regain freedom over my actions and my doings, and my time.
But is really the case? As I said — I stopped planning my days and pushing myself to achieve 10,000 steps a day even when I didn't feel like it. I stopped (I think only temporarily) my volunteer work because I couldn't find any tiny bit of pleasure in it. I still go with my routine of at least 15 minutes per day of learning Spanish, but I can find those 15 minutes to spare every day no matter what. I don't read at least 50 pages per day as I want to do every day, but that doesn't matter since I still read a lot and if I miss a day I know I will catch up with my reading the next day. There are days when I let myself be lazy, and don't do anything of any significance.
And you know what — nothing bad happens when I do that. When I don't keep some particular streak of doing something, life goes on and everything is fine and I am fine.
I think I finally found a difference between keeping the daily streaks (which can become a chore) just for the sake of it, and a routine — where after missing doing something one day, I just start and pick up what I planned to do the next day. And nothing bad comes from it. I think that might be the most significant thing I learned in that past year — to let myself go of my imaginary needs. To let myself be lazy when I want to. To let me waste some of my time and still don't blame myself for it. And I wasn't even trying to achieve that! It just happened.
I still have big expectations of myself. I still expect nothing but perfection in many aspects of my life. But I am aware of it, and that helps to keep what I am doing and thinking in perspective. And lets take it one change of behavior at a time. Accepting that I cannot be perfect all the time and in all details of my life will be a plan for this year.
And I expect nothing but the perfect result (pun intended again).
