Burning anger

November 9th

I am not proud of myself for my yesterday.

Actually, I am pretty ashamed of myself for yesterday.

In reality, I am today even somewhat scared of myself for my behavior yesterday.

I let myself be consumed by burning anger. Anger that winded its tentacles around me and especially my mind. Anger that consumed me and all my thoughts with a burning intensity that allowed no relief. Anger that spread into my most private and safe places that held in my thoughts just for such happenings. I let it happen. I felt it growing in strength and blinding my conscience with impotent rage. I tried to fight it, but only half-heartedly. It was almost like I wanted to feel bad and suffer the anguish that I brought upon myself without any peace of mind.

The reasons for this are not important (but they are connected to seeing the potential for a beautiful change in my life and then going back to the miasma that surrounds me in the workday). Nothing more than that. But I let it be a trigger point and didn't check the escalation until it was too late. Scratch that — I didn't check a shit yesterday. I was too busy being angry and feeling sorry for myself. And the worst part was — I was looking for a way to actually hurt other people. To let them feel the same hurt that was mine to bear. Of course, I thought that only about those who deserve it. I wouldn't hurt an innocent fly, you know that.

Well, it is getting better today. I feel like I can almost function as I do most of the days. And tomorrow there will be another day to work on myself and my emotions and try to get back to where I was as a person and a human just a couple of days ago. Seems simple enough.