Casual cruelty

September 5th

“Pig”

“Ugly”

“Fat”

“If you're ever close to fucking somebody you're not supposed to, think about her — you will lose your erection right away”

“loud laughter”

That is what I heard today as two work colleagues were talking about a woman from another department who send an email with some request to one of them. They were talking loudly and were not hiding or trying to keep it to themselves. Just like that. Terrible, cruel words and a judgment of somebody based on her looks. And it was so casual, like talking about the weather or something. Painful words, demeaning another person just because of the way she looks. A shocking statement of uninhibited savagery. And the laughter afterward…

And I didn't react to it.

I heard it well, the words and the laughter, and didn't react. I just sat there at my desk. That was happening behind my back, and I could turn around and say something. I should turn around and let them have a piece of my mind. But I didn’t. I already started to explain this situation and my inaction in my head, and tried to convince myself that my lack of reaction was caused by simply being shocked by what had happened. I am good at excuses when it comes to not doing something. But obviously, I know the real truth — I am a coward who will do anything to avoid confrontation. And there is proof of that again. I was shocked, but not powerless to do something about it. I was paralyzed by fear of calling somebody on their verbal cruelty — just to steer clear of any possibility of conflict.

Even with a person who just had shown stupidity and idiocy and brutality in his thoughts and opinions. Even with a person who richly deserved to be called an asshole and should be reminded to look in a fucking mirror before judging the looks of others.

My timidness scares me. My delayed emotional reactions are well known to me — but still, I don’t do anything about it. Ok, I promise myself that next time I will react and will not shun the confrontation. I have already prepared in my head what I will say when that happens again. But I know that most likely I will keep my head down and then stew in anger at my inaction. Again.

Even the words above — most likely — are a lie. I will not do it, no doubts about it. There is something in my mind that makes me internalize my anger. It is like I am incapable of expressing my anger when actually I am angry and directing it back at the person who made me angry. Writing it down just doesn’t help anymore.

Now I don’t feel much anger anymore, but rather a nagging disappointment. At myself, of course. I don’t like it, and I am not sure what to do about it. And I think I am getting a little concerned about the moment when that anger finally will spill from my internal storage. I know it will overflow eventually and when it will happen — I will not be in control of the situation. That could end up badly and ugly for anybody involved.