’cause I am a liar

August 28th

I am an ultimate, extraordinary, professional, and vicious liar. I am a perfectionist in my lies and the gifted architect in creating a web around them. I can lie about anything — things that I need to lie about for personal gain, or I can lie just for fun and the sake of it. I can lie with a straight face, or I can lie weeping and sobbing. I can lie with the stone-faced assuredness of a politician, and I can lie with the humble stuttering of an innocent victim. Hell, I can lie in a way to make the recipient of my lie try to make me believe this lie from their utmost belief in it.

But I don’t practice it anymore.

I stopped lying about two years ago when I got sober. It wasn’t simply necessary to lie. It was a relief to finally stop doing it anymore and, in actuality — that freed a lot of my brain cells for more important things like self-improvement and intellectual growth. I like that new me — sober, moral, ethical, and painfully truthful. To myself that is, I still work on growing balls to be completely truthful toward others. But at least I don’t sugarcoat anything or make false compliments (easy to do just by holding my mouth shut).

And yesterday I wanted to lie. To tell a lie here on this blog, writing an entry about something that hasn’t really happened. Ok, something happened yesterday that I was quite happy about it (it involves meeting an interesting person in my life), but as I sat down to write a post — I realized that what I wanted to write wasn’t the truth. It wasn’t the whole truth — it got colorized in my mind to make it appear more interesting, to make me appear more interesting.

Now — there is a fine and thin and easily malleable line between a lie and a fantasy. And I like my imagination, the way it works in my mind, creating situations and events and even whole new worlds. I will not curb my imagination and actually — I will feed it, so it can go on working wonders I can see through my mind. I enjoy it tremendously. But I need to be careful not to let my imagination seep into the reality of who I am and of the events and people who surround me. I don’t need any unfounded fantasy to affect my newly found sober reality. Things will happen — possibly the way I can imagine them, but probably not exactly. So, I just need to give it time without already having a colorized fantasy built in my head. I don’t want to lie to myself, I know from painful experiences how easy it is to start believing those lies.