Chaotic

May 16th, 2024

Everything is. I don't accept the fact that chaos is normal in our lives and in all that surrounds us. I remember times when our lives (and by that I mean a majority of lives in a widely understood Western civilization) were not so chaotic and were mostly predictable. I know that it is possible to have our lives lived in an orderly fashion. I also know that it is not up to me to make that change. I can try to achieve a boring and mundane life for myself, but there are too many outside stimuli that bring chaos into my life, and there is nothing I can do about it. I do try though — routine and predictable actions and outputs are what I strive for. I organize what I can and in the way that I think is the best way, all that I have a direct effect upon. But then something from outside my direct influence gets brought up and my intricate plan goes to waste. I try to adjust to it as soon and as best I can. Usually, that works. I know well how to adjust to given situations. But that takes time and effort from me and brings tiredness and confused frustration. I keep asking myself — did I do that? Did I take care of this? Is this problem already solved? Can I move on from these issues and work on something else? I make mental notes, but that is not enough. I started to make written notes to help relieve my memory from too much work and pressure. That helps a little, but then when I look at the list — I get despondent. There is too much for me to do. And if I don't try to bring order, I will have to live in the chaos of my own making. Why is boring and ordinary and predictable so difficult to achieve? Is there more to the constant chaos than just incompetence from those who make the rules?