Charm and exhaustion

January 31st, 2024

I was charming. I was witty. I was professional. I was eloquent. I was on point. I was organizing. I was holding everything together. I was getting things done. I was doing several things at once, and doing them well. I was right in the mix and I was a center point for the whole situation.

And I loved it.

Which is strange, since normally I am rather withdrawn. I am a man of a few words. I would rather be observing than be in a mix of things. I prefer to stand aside and react to the actions of others. I thoroughly dislike being the center of attention and being on and energetic and smiling.

It was a part of my new duties at work — which is organizing and conducting trials, usually with the attendance of supplier personnel. I had to be right there doing all things at once and translating to and forth and then still negotiating and getting details straightened out.

Everything went exceptionally well, even I have to admit — and I am a severely unforgiving judge of myself. The rest of the day went fine as well. It was something new for me, something I dreaded before it happened, but now I know I can do it, and do it well.

So why, after I came home from work, I had to lay down with a blanket covering my head and stay like that without a motion for half an hour before I could move and go about the rest of my private day? Most likely because I realized that what I was doing at work was an act. I am not like that as I showed myself to others today. It is good to know that I can act this way when situations arise, but playing the role of somebody else is so exhausting. I hope I won’t have to play this role frequently…

And now a crazy thought entered my mind — what would happen if, instead of acting as a perfectionist, I would instead be myself as I am every day? Would anybody notice? Would anybody care? Was that acting job today a show for the others, or was I just trying to prove something to myself? And paying for it with deep tiredness.