Church Going part 2
I am restless; I am nervous. Am I scared? I think I am scared of admitting to myself that I might be becoming religious….
Of course, not in any “organized religion and inflexible dogma” way. Not in any “acceptance of hierarchy” way. Not in any possible way belonging to a particular Church or specific creed. That will never happen. Ok, that might happen — I cannot predict the future and I actually see a single certain religion of which I could see myself being a member of — The Quakers. And that is not because of any special feeling about their dogma or anything else, but because of their tireless work for social justice and equality for everyone deprived of it.
But I do see that there is growing spirituality in me that requires some kind of order and systematization. Maybe even some kind of mythology. No place to worship is necessary — I feel it everywhere I am in nature. No prayers and chants or magic rituals are needed — just being there and emptying my mind from mundane, daily thoughts is enough. But some kind of direction and codification of what I see and feel. And if I have it, I might even be able to share it.
It feels very weird. That need that I experience right now. It is very possible that I had this need for a long time and I just covered it with pseudo-intellectual rationality and substance abuse. I mean, I was very religious as a child and tween. But I grew up from it, from the puerility and nativism of the Roman Catholic Church in Poland. And the downright stupidity and abuse that I’ve seen as an altar boy were a good reason too for me to give up any faith might have left.
But today is different. There is a definite need and maybe even want for something deeper, but still that something needs to be on my terms. I don’t see a problem with having faith and belief, but it has to be mine and fit my understanding, lifestyle, and thought process. I understand that as a creative method to construct my web of connections between myself and the rest of what surrounds me. Creation of understanding and realization of where exactly is my place on Earth in this age and time. That is not too much to ask for, is it?