Concept of isolation

August 22nd, 2023

I don't find physical aloneness troublesome or challenging or difficult. I, in many ways, look forward to being alone and cherish those moments. And when I feel too crowded, I search for ways to be alone again. What has changed over the last few years is that I no longer run away from the crowd (no matter how wonderful or welcoming it might be) but take leave in a polite and proper way without burning bridges behind me. That is seriously stupendous personal growth for me.

But I was alone for long periods of time. It was connected to moral aloneness, which makes any aloneness intolerable and unbearable. When there is no spiritual connection with something, anything — then living alone becomes an overwhelming burden. Well, maybe it doesn't have to be even a spiritual connection — just a feeling of belonging to a group/trade/nation can bring symbolic fulfillment and ease the pain of a monk in his cell, or a political prisoner, or a petty bourgeois when they are physically isolated from their fellow men and women.

I think there was a period of time in my life when I was more than alone — I was isolated (or at least felt isolated) from any other human being and from any idea and from any idea of beauty and from any concept of societal custom. I struggled forward, but that struggle took a tremendous toll on my psyche, one I still feel and deal with today. Any connection — no matter how naive or tentative and ridiculous — is needed not to be isolated. Here, religion and nationalism and any other form of tribalism come in handy. And here any of those symbolic groupings find fertile ground for new recruits and neophytes, giving a semblance of belonging. In my case — that wasn't necessary, all I needed to do was to fight back against the addiction to clear my mind (and body) and achieve connection to countless ideas of my own choosing.