Constant rush

December 12th, 2022

I have promised myself not to do it anymore, and yet today I caught myself in a mad rush again. I had to do this and that, and if squeeze this as well this afternoon then tomorrow I will be able to do something from Thursday, so then on Thursday I will be able to do what I planned for Friday, and…

Exhausting, all that — planning and rescheduling and doing.

There is always a very good excuse for all that — the sooner I do all have to do, all I planned for myself, or promised for somebody else — then finally I will have more time for myself. I will have more time to do what I want, without rushing and any deadlines. Time for my pleasure or idleness or discovery or maybe even some social interactions.

It just doesn't work like that, and I am aware of that and do nothing to change it. I do have a lot of time for myself, I have hours every day when I can do nothing. But then I feel angry at myself for wasting my precious time. I already wasted many days and weeks and months and years in my life. Time is ticking away, so I need to account for its passing.

That is simply stupid. I will not regain lost time no matter how fast I will run and no matter how many things I will try to do at once. It is not about that. Now is my time to do what I want at the pace that suits me. So, why all this mad rush all the time? And why now? I was doing fine pacing myself for the spring and summer, what changed?

Is it because several people I knew died recently? Is that the reason? Is it a subconscious reaction to the normal matters of life, like the passage of time and death? I will not slow down the time, no matter how I would love to do it. Things will happen as they progress throughout the seasons and years. So, why not enjoy what I have at hand?

There is no joy in constant rushing and dashing. I remember how much pleasure and fun I had when I decreased my needs and concentrated on my wants. So why is it so difficult to accept now that if I don't do this today, nothing bad will happen? I could do it tomorrow, or not at all. It is all my decision to make and accept what happens.

And now I think I got to the point of all that — it is again about making decisions. And about me being really indecisive. What is more, it is not only about decisions — it is more about the consequences of those decisions. And it seems like my disability (or even hate) in accepting the consequences of my decisions is the culprit here.

That is something where I think I didn't do much progress in the last several years. I am aware of the problem, and once in a while I write and complain about it here — and then do exactly nothing to change it. So, what exactly do I complain here about? Again, it is all on me and the uneven growth of my personality and personal responsibility.