Conundrum
December 19th, 2022
Imagine a scene —
I am walking along the long corridor that connects two parts of a building where I work. There are several staircases leading to and from this corridor. Some are heavily used, and some very rarely. There are several nooks and crannies along the way, along with landings between flights of stairs as well. A coworker walks toward me, when she suddenly stops, looks around, and furtively starts walking again, but stops with a searching and confused look.
“Did you hear this?” she says as I walk closer.
I try to hear something, but there is nothing beyond the normal hum.
“I thought I heard something unusual,” she says and walks away.
I keep going, with just a shrug of a shoulder, but then I heard it myself. It sounded like someone was crying somewhere nearby, but well hidden from view. I stopped and started looking around, trying to see where was it coming from, and to see if I can be of any help — if necessary or needed. There was no one within my view, so I started walking down the nearest stairwell, but I stopped. I thought for a short while about this situation and walked away.
Someone, for some reason, wanted or needed or couldn’t help to cry. That person walked away from the view of other people to be alone or not to show embarrassing behavior in public. Crying is embarrassing and rarely encountered in public. And who am I to try (even with the best intentions on my part) to be of any help, when that person might just need a good (or quick, or healing) cry alone?
I rarely cry, in recent years I only cried when a piece of particular music had unleashed an unstoppable torrent of emotions and memories and regret and longing and tears. As tears were draining from my eyes, my emotions were drying from my mind at the same time. Both were very pleasant — especially the tears rolling down the cheek, down to the lips, bring an amazing sensual release. In every case when it happened — I was alone. I would never be able to cry with another person next to me. Although, after crying — I sorely needed someone, anyone just to cuddle and to be held close to.
Actually — what I wrote above about not being able to cry around another person might not be true— I am not sure what would happen in a situation like that. I just assumed that I wouldn't, because — you know, you just don't do things like that. Maybe I could, and that would bring even more emotional release than crying alone. Of course, not just with a random person who might walk down the stairs (even with the best intentions) but with someone with whom mutual care is already established. Maybe I should try that.
