Criticism
November 14th
I cannot take any criticism of myself or my values or my way of living and thinking. I don’t care if there might be any valid points to this criticism. I either double down on doing just what is being criticized (without considering that it might be wrong) or simply give up (without considering that it might be correct).
For me, any criticism is a personal attack on me and my values. I don’t see the possibility of me being wrong. I don’t consider the possibility that another person might have valid points and my best interest in mind. And I don’t just let it go, I will be hell-bent on proving that criticism wrong (even if that will cost me).
I never learned to take any criticism growing up. I remember I was always told — “don’t stand out, don’t be different, don’t show any individuality, don’t show that you are better or more colorful than others. If you do that — you will open yourself to criticism. Others will criticize you to take you down a notch. So, just blend in with the crowd. It will be safer and easier”.
And yes, it was safer — but that way I never learned that criticism can be constructive, can push me to be better. I didn’t take risks or had to stifle any creativity that would mark me as an individual just so I wouldn’t be subjected to the opinions of other people. And only now I realize I missed a very important part of being a complete person. I don’t have to like or care about options or criticism of other people, but they might have points that could help me better myself.
I am aware of it now, but it seems almost impossible to change the fundamental way I react to the opinions of other people. No matter, I will try to work on it though because I want to be better; I want to continue growing as a human being. Again — there is so much to unpack from my character and how it developed even before my addiction. But once I started this process, I will not give up. I know what I find about myself will not always be pleasant, but that is just a part of living an aware and fully experienced life.
