Darkness in December

December 6th

Everything feels artificial now. The daylight should last around 7 and a half hours, but the light during that time is not genuine light. Those are only different shades of gray. I keep my lamps on at home from waking up to going to sleep. Non-stop artificial illumination to brighten up the day. The streetlamps are on outside for sixteen or more hours a day — more of the artificial yellow gleaming. In the afternoons there are still plenty of people around — there is constant traffic on the roads, malls and stores are packed with shoppers and full of Christmas ornaments and holiday cheer.

And yet, all that feels wrong somehow. There is a lot of anger brewing underneath; tempers are kept in check by sheer force of habit. The December darkness is overwhelming — like every year. The reality of everyday life is replaced by artificial happiness of upcoming holidays and New Year’s Day. I find myself struggling to find reasons to go out of the house.

And honestly, why would I? I am perfectly fine here. I am safe and warm. I got my books to read, my movies to watch, countless albums and songs to listen to. I got my comfortable chair and couch where I sit or lay down and think, or not think, dream or create my own private fantasies. I am fine like that.

And yet, I am counting days to the winter solstice — only 15 more days when the darkness will still elongate the already long nights. After that, after the 21st of December, I will celebrate each new day with that another minute or two of longer daylight. Might not seem like much, but it means a lot to me. It is a goal, a day I am looking forward through the darkness. A hope I created for myself, and longing for sunshine.