December 18th

I had a serious alcohol craving — started last evening and lasted until around 10 am. I felt like shit, it was those nagging thoughts about drinking, about having no power, about giving up. I felt scared, I tried to change my thoughts, to think about something pleasant, happy, I tried to eat it — some sugary and then salty treats. I fall asleep without a problem, slept with only one break until 5.15. I got up, had breakfast, and went to work but those thoughts were still there, it was exhausting to fight them. At work, it was the same, I tried to concentrate and my job but those thoughts kept on coming, no matter what I tried after a minute they were back… I couldn't concentrate, I kept thinking “when will that end?”, “how much longer?”, “what will I do if I have to go through the weekend like this?”. I was scared that this might be it — I kept telling myself that I will not take a drink but I was scared that I might not be strong enough. Around 10 am it very quickly went away, I felt normal, composed, I could joke with my coworkers and do my regular work with no problem. In the evening I feel fine, even if occasionally I think about drinking it is very distant from actually being scared that I might do it — I know that I won’t. It was a very sobering experience, I know that as an addict I can expect those situations to arise. If that would last any longer I know I would talk to somebody — mom or Adam or Ela, I don't think I could handle it myself. I still don't know for sure what could bring those cravings about

• it started after reading part of “Power of Habit” about alcohol addiction and AA and how faith in something or some power is crucial for recovery — I don't know if I have this faith in me
• also, it is very important to change the reaction to cravings (clues) to something not addictive but guaranteeing the same reward as alcohol — I don't think I have it — what is my reward, what was my reward when drinking?
• possibly it happened because I going to Warsaw tomorrow — Warsaw it’s where I drank, it’s definitely my trigger, I know places in the center of the city when I can go and drink without being seen, hell — every trip to Warsaw I would start drinking in the morning before even getting on the train…

By going to Warsaw I don't want to test myself, I want to be able to go there, enjoy my trip and stay sober. I cannot be a slave to my previous behavior, I know I can change it. My brain is fighting it, I know, but I will not give up, EVER!

it could be combinations of all those things, I need to remember I am an alcoholic, this my defect, my frailty, my sickness — I will never be cured, I want to give myself a chance to have a normal life. I will go back to the basics — to rereading my notes from therapy, I will go back to the AA meeting on Sunday. It was a somber wake-up call for me. I was able to handle it this time, but I don't want to experience this suffering again. And if it comes back — I want to be ready.