December 31st

2020 could be the most important year in my life. After wasting my time, my abilities, losing respect of others, losing respect for myself, losing my self-confidence, and most importantly losing belief that I can still do something with my life because of 30 years of drinking, I finally was able to do something about it. I got to the point that I seriously thought that the only way out will be a suicide. I still had in me the single straw of hope. I knew I needed help, I wouldn’t and couldn’t do it by myself. I checked myself in the inpatient therapy facility. I spend eight weeks there, possibly the most important eight weeks in my life. What was most important, is that I regained hope that I can still have a fulfilling life. I will never forget all the therapists there and other patients who helped me to believe in myself. Now, it’s almost four months since my last drink. I feel stronger, I feel more sure of myself, I even like myself. I know there are still things that I need to change, but I believe with my hard work I can do it. I’m finding out about myself about who I really am. Am I a good person, am I an interesting person? That’s for me to find out, and the only way I can do it is to be sober. I need to work even harder on my recovery, I don’t want any possible relapse. 2021 will be for me a year of self discovery, I know it won’t be easy, I know I have triggers that can lead me to drink again, I know I will have more alcohol cravings. There will be more mental and physical crises. I already experienced them and I know that any crisis will pass. I need to remember what I lost because of alcohol, and what can I gain by staying sober. I will never regain the years that I wasted, I will never undo the harm that I inflicted on myself and others. But I feel I’m starting with a clean slate, my life and decisions depend on me again not on my addiction. I know I got a second chance in life, I will do whatever I can not to fuck it up.

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footsteps of the Furies

footsteps of the Furies

“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.