December 4th/5th

Friday — I had my first real crisis. A lot of things happened that day. First Agata said something about my belly, that I look like I am pregnant. I know that it was banter but it did upset me, especially that I didn't say anything to her that what she said was hurtful and I didn't like it. Then several problems with my suppliers — MEP and Resinex — I don't know if we will be receiving our orders on time or at all and if we don't then we might have to lay off employees and I want to do everything possible to avoid it. Then the problem with Optima, I didn't make sure that Marcin from the transport department put in the unloading schedule like I asked him to do and Optima’s driver had to wait for many hours for unloading. All that was on my mind when I started my manual transmission driving lessons: in the beginning, while driving in the city everything was fine but I realized that I simply don't enjoy driving the manual, there is no fun for me while driving. Then while trying parking and starts and stops I just couldn't do it, I wasn't able to follow instructions, and if two times I did something right the third time I would get everything wrong…

All that — work and driving — made me very angry, I was sweating and hot and just didn't care, I couldn't keep my mind on what I was doing, I was feeling anger and disappointment toward myself — like I am a failure, I cannot do simplest things right, I mean, complete idiots can drive manual and I struggle while knowing very well how to drive, but in automatic… When I got home I knew that all this is a perfect recipe for failing sobriety — how many times in the past I would start drinking and heavily at that while not being able to control my anger. I had to sit down and calm myself, I had to say to myself that I cannot keep thinking like that, I have to control and resolve my anger or I will have huge alcohol cravings and I might think (or worse do something) about drinking.

I was able to stop myself from being that angry, I tried to put in my mind what is actually happening and what I can do about it. I still wasn't feeling 100% normal when I met with Ela and her sons — Marek and Tomek, that meeting went bad as well. The dog that I took for this walk didn't want to be petted, Tomek got upset about it and had a tantrum, after 20 minutes we decided to call it quits… That made me not angry but rather upset. The rest of the evening went rather dull, I had no energy to do anything productive and just spend time watching stupid videos on YouTube. That anger from the whole day was still somewhere in my head.

Saturday — I still wasn't ok, even though I started to make a plan of what I can do about all those things that made me angry. I had no energy to do anything except go to the barber because I already had an appointment. I felt quite better after getting a haircut, I felt that I look good and handsome. I went for dinner at mom’s with Bozena and Adam — we had quite a pleasant talk and time and I felt much better (although there are things that I don't like at home with the way my mom and Bozena react to the slightest criticism and the way they are passive-aggressive all the time, but that for another entry in the blog.

In the afternoon I felt completely normal, I did full cleaning of the house, 2 loads of laundry, all that Saturday stuff. I was able to relax and plan what I want to do to avoid that kind of crises that can lead me to drink again:

  • I will look for the possibility to change driving school lessons on the automatic transmission, if driving manual is no fun and it might take me 3 months to get to 30 hours of instruction there is no point in doing this, I want to finish it quickly and go back to driving.
  • At work — I will make sure that from my side everything possible is done, I cannot control the actions of my suppliers. I will also make sure to check the delivery schedule more often.
  • I will still take my dog for meeting with Ela and her sons, it will get better. besides her sons are 11 and 14 — that is a very difficult age for them and I need to be more tolerant.
  • I will talk to my mom at first, then maybe with Bozena about the way they are, how their actions are difficult for my therapy and sobriety.

I think I will have a LOT to talk to Ada on Saturday :)

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“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.

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footsteps of the Furies

footsteps of the Furies

“for they knew what sort of noise it was; they recognize, by now, the footsteps of the Furies”. Enjoying life on the road to recovery. Observing and writing.

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