Deep but mostly false memory

January 27th

This song came up on the radio this morning. Haven’t heard it in many years, probably since the late 1980s or early 1990s. No matter — immediately as I heard this song a particular memory floated in my mind. Very clear remembrance of winter afternoon from that era. I was 15 or 16 years old. Snow was falling but it was still pretty bright outside— so it had to be in February or March already. It was a weekend, and it had to be Saturday — I don’t think I have any good memories involving anything being on Sunday. I was in my room in our apartment. That song was on the radio and I just stopped what I was doing and stood at the window listening and watching the snowfall. I remember how my room was furnished — with a cheap fake wood desk and cabinets and bed covered with a blanket and A LOT of books everywhere. But my room was tied up, I remembered that clearly — it was NOT an everyday occurrence to have my room clean and in perfect order. I remembered the feeling of calmness that was so intense that it embedded itself in my mind with association with that song. That calmness was overwhelming, it seem to me that my life was then finally organized and there are no limits to my future. I think I was happy.

And that wonderful reminiscence is a lie. it is a sham — a false remembering implanted in my memory and brought out to the surface by a song.

At 15–16 years old, my life was in shambles, the free fall already started. I couldn’t find a place for myself in high school, I had a small group of friends around me but most of the time I felt rejected from cliques and other groups. My grades were terrible, I was failing most of the subjects. I still played sports but I was no longer the best on the team and because of that I lost a lot of pleasure from it. Most of the time I just wanted to stay in my room, listen to music, and let depression take over. Well, at this time I didn’t know what depression is or that I might have it. I just couldn’t deal with anybody — family, teammates, or friends. I started not showing up for school, appointments, training, or games. And I started to drink by that age already.

And that is the actual truth about that period of my life — there was nothing calm or happy about it.

But this is still a pretty good song by the Pretenders, so you know — swings and roundabouts.