Detachment

March 27th

Am I wrong in wanting to be more detached from things and goings in my life that don’t affect me personally? Why am I even asking myself this question? My emotional state is still very fragile. Small things set me on an emotional rollercoaster and trigger my mood swings. Where do I draw a line and set a clear border on things that I don’t want any part of it? Things that I don’t want to hear about it, think about or take sides between two parties. For example — I don’t want to be dragged into disputes between my mom and her sister, my aunt and my sister, my brother and my sister (now it seems like my family is very argumentative…). Why can’t I just say that I am not interested in any of this, any of what she/he did or said? Or any of what she/he is doing and why is it the wrong way of doing it? Or any of how it bothers the person talking?

It doesn’t bother me. I might see problems, the wrong way of doing things, unnecessary nervousness, and arguments. I might say something about how I see it and leave it at that. Honestly, I don’t see any need for confrontation or the need to change other people. Let them be for better or worse. Just leave me alone.

But in all this, there is a sense of duty in me. A sense that makes me pretend to listen and agree with a presented point of view of that particular side. Even pretending to listen puts some words and ideas in my mind that then occupy my thoughts and influence my emotional state. Why is it so difficult for me to draw a line at what is acceptable for me from the other person? Why do I think first about not even possibly hurting the feelings of that other person before I start thinking about myself and my wants and needs? Why am I always that guy that listens and agrees and supports? Is it because I want to be liked and being supportive is a huge ego-bust? Is my selflessness actually a selfish act performed, so I can think better about myself?

What I really want is to be detached from all that pointless shit. And yet, I do nothing about it and I sacrifice my sanity and energy, and emotions for the sake of being seen as a “good guy”. Sometimes I sicken myself more than I am sickened by the constant family drama shit.