Detachment from crisis

August 9th, 2023

A couple of times I wondered to myself — “how long will it last? when will it end?”. The question was about my good time and good mood and quietness of emotions that lasted for weeks, maybe a month. It was a long streak of good days, fulfilling and easy days for me. And then, yesterday afternoon — the internal and emotional crisis hit. It was a difficult evening and a hard night. No rest, strange and repetitive thoughts in my head, internal trembling, high anxiety — you know, the works…

And that was mostly of my own doing (or imagining). The moment I noticed the unusual mood swings in me, I let myself be drawn into contact processing of minute details of previous hours. I let myself be winded up by nothing really. And then, I dived head first into looking (and imagining) more issues and problems for myself. I couldn’t stop and I couldn't help myself — or I didn't want to help myself to get a normal equilibrium of my moods and emotions.

What was strange — as all that was happening, I felt a strange detachment from the reality of what was happening. It was real, and it was taking its toll on me. And yet, I felt like I was watching myself spiraling slowly and slightly out of control from the normalcy of the previous days and weeks with cold indifference. At night, when I woke up from a jittery sleep, I observed myself having an anxiety attack without much concern. I knew it would pass eventually, but I felt like I wasn’t doing anything from my side to help to ease the pain. It did pass and from the morning I am back to my normal, just slightly tired, myself. Unusual and rather strange and somewhat concerning.