Disorder

December 24th, 2024

Where is the line between spontaneity and disorder? Where is the line between not caring and chaos? Or maybe the question should be about not just a line but rather a border, that once crossed affects my well-being and my ability to continue in the quietude of organized normalcy.

I believe that line, that border is crossed easily each holiday when the routine becomes no longer workable in the whirlwind of things and situations and visits and talking and cooking and shopping and trying to keep everything moving and keep everybody happy.

It is not my job to keep everybody happy. Actually, I don't have to keep anybody happy but myself. And I am failing that task. I don't keep myself happy thinking about others, their behavior, and their feelings. It is my whole family failing — keeping a happy face surrounded by disorder.

Why is it so hard, well — nigh on impossible—to say stop, get your ass in order, and stick to a plan and be a part of a family effort for the holidays. I mean — I composed that speech, that rant, many times over in my head, and I haven't said it once. Because of reasons…

And the reasons are that it is the holidays and we should be nice to each other and it is only for a few days before things will go back to normal and we will stick to the routine order of things. Until next time that is. So nothing is being said out loud and in front of those in question. Just a slow angry simmer and tiredness that is endemic to the holiday season…