Doin’ nothing

October 2nd

For the first time since I stopped drinking, I spent a whole day literally doing nothing. I don’t feel well, and I am on painkillers and antibiotics. I feel kind of weird — like I have a headache and nausea and my balance is off, and I feel nervous as well. I am also very sleepy (after sleeping for 11 hours overnight, I barely had the energy to get up at 8 am this morning). The only thing I did today was to go out to the local store to buy cigarettes. I did watch a lot of funny clips on YouTube, try to read something, but my concentration was off, so I went for an extended nap. I don’t recall another day like today as a sober person. And I quite like it. I don’t feel bored, rather inconvenient by my health. There was a moment when I felt like I am wasting my time on Saturday and I should be doing something, but after asking myself “why should I feel that way” and not finding any convincing answer, I let it go. I understand now that I don’t have to be on all the time. I can allow myself to feel under the weather and just rest at home. Of course, I would rather feel good and be productive — there is a lot of work to be done in the garden, and I have a couple of biking trips planned, but I don’t need to push myself to do anything that I don’t want to, just to prove something. I don’t need to prove anything to anybody, even myself at this point. I know I need the rest and laziness and sloth this weekend, and I am ok with it. I learned to listen to my body (and my mind) — and do what they need and not what I think should be done. I might watch a football game in the evening (go Rutgers! I actually think they have a chance against Ohio State today). I might have another nap. I might eat another piece of cake. Or I might not.

And I will be perfectly fine with whatever choice I make, no regrets, no second-guessing anymore. I accept myself as I am, warts and all.