Dreams

March 28th

My sleep pattern since I stopped drinking is as follows — I put my head on the pillow, pull my duvet or/and a blanket up to my chin, roll on the left side and the next thing I know is morning already. And I always wake up about 5 minutes before my alarm clock goes off. So I sleep like a log. This is one of the biggest benefits of being sober. But it also means that I don’t dream. Or at least I don’t remember any dreams the moment I wake up.

I do have nightmares occasionally. But are the nightmares actually dreams? Spoiled dreams? Or is it something more sinister that comes up through the night in a tired and unsettled mind? Anyway, they happen rarely. The last one was about six months ago, and they always involve something to do with drinking and alcohol — so I know that I let my mind go in the wrong direction before they happen, and I let myself be triggered by something. I can then work on that, so it doesn’t happen again.

Also, I do occasionally have a recollection of something like a dream for a second or two during that moment when I wake up and right before I open my eyes. It looks like a rapid movie of something that I dreamt of, but it is quickly gone, and I only remember the fact that I had a dream, but I can no longer recall what it was about.

Very and extremely rarely does it happen that I can actually remember and recall a dream I had. And it happened this morning. And I know it was a pleasant dream. I was riding a bike through my old hometown in New Jersey. For the most part, it looked as I remembered it from 10 years ago. There were some new buildings there, and it was very clean with very light traffic on the streets — but unmistakably my place where I lived for 15 years. And in this dream, I felt a deep pleasure from just riding a bike there, up and down the streets and sidewalks and parks, and recalling new sights that I would see around the corner. Nothing more than that. And yet, I woke up not only remembering that dream in detail (and I still can recall it without a problem) but also with deep happiness and calmness.

Very strange, but also very enjoyable. Strange that I actually remember that dream. Delightful because there was a joy in my actions in this dream that spilled into my woken state and mood. Honestly, that is something that I think I experienced for the first time in my life — a happy dream and a happy mood based on that dream after waking up. I still surprise myself with how my mind works and hope for more pleasing dreams to remember.